At Long Last, an Update

I feel like I have been remiss in not posting about this sooner. But I want to thank everyone who kept me in their prayers as I delved deeply into some of my most painful memories. I am feeling so much better, stronger even, and I know it was in no small part, due to the love that buoyed, lifted and held me as I slowly healed and grew. Thank you.

I am also marveling at how my life has so much less drama. I am not a drama queen by any stretch of the imagination, but the complexity of my life has gone down appreciably. I mean I still have way too many irons in the fire, and my to do list would choke most over achievers, but I feel so much lighter and less encumbered, that it doesn’t fill me with dread. Even when my mail piled up for two weeks, the pile itself did not develop a persona. I noticed that it didn’t make a sound, no screaming accusations, no withering retorts – it was just a pile of mail. So when I finally sifted through the pile, it was just a boring chore, not a litany of abuse and condemnation. Wow.

I also recently realized that the reason my epic to do list bothers me so much was because I feared that I would never be done with it all. Because I had some how convinced myself that I could not possibly relax till I was done. I realized that it was a message left over from my childhood – “You cannot play till your chores are done” – that was messing with my ability to relax and enjoy life. So I needed to exorcise that fundamental belief.

I may never be done with my list, but as some point I will be done with my life. So I asked myself, “What on that list did I not want to leave undone when I crossed beyond the veil?” And the answer came back crystal clear -- my books and my writings. And it hit me, that is the one area that gets short shrift because of all I felt I needed to do. That was an instructive exercise for me.

And surprisingly, guess what I discovered when I looked carefully at my book … it is practically done. What is left is writing up intros and summaries for some of the chapters plus the book as a whole. Additionally I need to rewrite one small section where I wrote up a summary of morphic resonance based on my faulty memory. Wow, again.

In the mean time, I have achieved several goals from my annual list. I have two new pairs of prescription glasses – regular and sunglasses. My web design business is booming. Focusing on the "web guy" was the solution. Which means setting my marketing goals was the key to my success. And even more ... Wow.

I am saving some money, but aside from Amber Eyes, my income is kind of flat this year as rising energy costs are affecting attendance at my local classes and all my out town gigs.

I have had enough openness in my schedule to spend time with both new acquaintances and old friends. I even got to see Ironman at the theater! Tonight, I have organized a group of budding film snobs to go with me to the AFI to see an acclaimed Korean film, The King and the Clown. I hoping to see both the new Indiana Jones and The Fall in a theater. And my Hard K club is busy trying to book a night out for all of us at Dave & Busters.

My hair is super short again, which makes it easier to keep up with my schedule. And before the heat wave I was walking a mile twice a week. My lights went out for just under 24 hours last week, but I did not lose any of my recently purchased frozen food.

I had an unexpected Vet expense at the end of last week, when Lil’ Devi fractured several bones in his left paw falling from the top of the fridge. But he seems none the worse for it. Hell, he can still out run me, leap into trouble and piss off the calico while holding said paw delicately in the air. Go Devi!

All in all, I am doing okay. And my life has a rhythm and rhyme that fits me just right at the moment. So although Mercury has not been kind, so far it has mostly been gentle learning opportunities. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

May your burdens lighten, may your heart be filled. May the blossoms you love turn toward the spaces where you dwell.


Posted in

Deborah Bella (not verified) | Wed, 06/11/2008 - 11:36am

I'm so happy to hear of the ease you've created for yourself. May peace and healing continue, strength increase, and wisdom & clarity guide you. Much, much love.


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