Same Sex Marriage & Freedom

As my workload has increased over these last several months, I have become truly aware of how my personal life has taken a real beating. My home is slowly starting to resemble a stereotypical bachelor pad with dirty laundry, dishes and mail everywhere. I am thinking I need some serious help.

I need someone who considers taking care of me as a life priority. Maybe what I need is a nanny. I need someone looking out for my health, welfare and sanity. Maybe I need a helpmate. I need to have someone in my life that can anticipate my needs and account for them routinely.

What I really need … is a wife.

I was thinking about this perennial wish of mine the other day when Ishtar reminded me of something I said earlier this year about same sex marriage.

I had noted that just like all social justice movements, the fight for gays and lesbians to marry could very well mostly benefit other sectors of society, primarily straight women.

And how would straight women benefit from same sex marriage you ask? Women could marry women and presto chango, it could change the meaning and context of single motherhood. Well, yeah, they would no longer be single. But more importantly, they would have access to all the breaks given to married couples, insure that their children were cared for the way they wished if anything happened to them, and if one of them had access to better healthcare all their children would get access to it.

But something else changes too. For those of us with ex husbands, families and in-laws whose politics, religious tolerance or value system differs greatly from our own, why not just marry your best friend forever (BFF). This way, the person who inherits, gets your pension and access to your 401K is the one who has had your back way longer than most straight marriages! We could literally take care of each other long into our later years.

And this would take a leap in understanding, since marriage we would have to admit, need not be a sexual union. It would become a joining of hearts, values and commitments. And if straight women could have their cake and eat it too, all bets are off in terms of strict gender roles.

And that is ultimately what I believe lies below the surface in the fears of the fundies of all stripes. Because anything that can potentially give women freedom, choice and escape from the rule of the fathers (patriarchy) must seem very scary.

Because if straight women began marrying each other, our culture could experience a huge shift in gender relations. One forecast we could make is that marriages might last longer overall and possibly the divorce rate would decline. Oh sure women would divorce each other, but the frequency might be less if sex was taken out of the equation. And what effect this might have on birth rates is a big unknown. But women all over this country might begin to experience a kind of freedom that we can only imagine

In the mean time, I am polishing up my personal ad. Because, increasingly, it seems like same-sex marriage is eventually “coming to your town.” And I had better be ready for when it hits DC.

SBF ISO WIFE - writer, teacher, mystic, poet, web designer and priestess seeks SF (or SM) for friendship and companionship plus help with household management, personal correspondence, and nutritional care. Relationship could lead to possible marriage. Sexual relations not required. Must be okay with alternative religions, politics, and life styles. Republicans and/or Evangelicals need not apply.

So whatcha think? Any takers?


Posted in

Ketzirah Carly (not verified) | Thu, 11/20/2008 - 1:56pm


Getting caught up on your blog and this post is timely. I'm working on a paper/post about weddings. Needless to say, that leads to lots of questions about what is a marriage.

What is your definition? I saw the "personal ad," I'm just wondering if you have a more formal definition.


katrina | Thu, 11/20/2008 - 3:08pm

I do not know if I have a "formal" definition, but I focus spiritually on the creation, nurturance and evolution of the "third" in a two person marriage. I see marriage as a rite of passage, where individuals make a shared commitment to join branches of their respective family trees. Most folks consider children as the primary manifestation of the joining of the ancestral lines. And BTW, this works even if said children are adopted by one or both parents.

Culturally it is the primary social tool to create entities of care, commitment and continuity. Legally it insures inheritance, kinship and bunches of protections and loopholes. Economically, it is often easier to get economies of scale for small to moderate sized families.

That is all I can think of at the moment. But good question nonetheless.

What is your definition of marriage?


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