Finally a Diagnosis!

After ...

  • three visits (and counting) to various dentists,
  • running around like a mad woman preparing for a monastic weekend,
  • having said weekend be filled with magick and mystery plus unfortunately ... also pain and exhaustion,
  • and countless other sources of stress and urgency,
  • followed by today's pain-filled, exhausting trip to the Rheumatologist,

... today's revelation caps off a week of stress, frenzy, pain, and exhaustion.

So of course I burst into tears when the doctor confirmed my long-held suspicions, that yes I indeed have Fibromyalgia.

To be truthful, I had starting crying this morning long before I even headed back upstairs to step into the shower. I was reminiscing about all the things I had to let go of in order to live with the reality of constant pain. All the years where doctor after doctor scratched their collective heads staring at my lab results ... till finally I gave up asking.

I developed countless strategies and methods to survive with chronic pain, paralyzing fatigue and diminished capacity. I was so good at it, that even I forgot how debilitating it really was to live my life.

I looked around my house this morning, thinking to myself,

  • "I wonder if anybody really knows what I had intended for this place to look like."
  • Or, "I bet folks actually believe I like my house this junky, or my upstairs so cluttered."
  • And, "I bet no one remembers how I use to have art on the walls or rugs on the floors."

The state of my house, for me, is a constant reminder of all I can not do ... of all I had to surrender to the gravity of pain.

But today, a white coated authority figure said the magick words, and all I could do was cry. (To his credit, he reassured me that it was a common reaction. I wonder if it was also partially caused by my emotional state -- y'know, seeing as how I was feeling like my entire body was on fire!)

So, I have Fibromyalgia. And although I am extremely tired and sore, I feel as if I can finally let go of another heavy burden I had no idea I was carrying. I finally felt heard ... I finally felt vindicated.

Now begins the next stage, finding out what will help me in terms of drugs and treatments.

But right now, I am going to celebrate ... by laying down for much needed nap.

Hurray! Zzzzzzzzz.

Posted in


NorthLight (not verified) | Thu, 08/06/2009 - 7:39pm

Just now catching up on the whole of July ...

and WOW.

This must be a confusing combination: the sweet relief of being heard, and of having the other shoe drop, already, but then the specific diagnosis brings feelings all its own.

Much, Much love to you, Dear One.

Sending healing and easeful thoughts. Plenty of long-distance Reiki available too, if you want it. Do you?

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Patricia (not verified) | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 6:12pm

I know how stressful that can be and I am glad you finally got one.

I will try to remember to bring the book [okay one of them books] I am currently reading Dancing at the River's Edge: A Patient and Her Doctor Negotiate Life with Chronic Illness by Alida Brill and Dr. Michael Lockshin, ISBN 0980139406 with me sometime when we meet, so you can see if you would be interested in it. So far it has been good.

I hope you are getting some rest.

love and blessings,
Patricia

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Deborah Bella (not verified) | Mon, 07/20/2009 - 10:54pm

Although the diagnosis itself sucks, at least (like you said) this gives you a starting point. Hugs to you, m'lady!

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