- three visits (and counting) to various dentists,
- running around like a mad woman preparing for a monastic weekend,
- having said weekend be filled with magick and mystery plus unfortunately ... also pain and exhaustion,
- and countless other sources of stress and urgency,
- followed by today's pain-filled, exhausting trip to the Rheumatologist,
... today's revelation caps off a week of stress, frenzy, pain, and exhaustion.
So of course I burst into tears when the doctor confirmed my long-held suspicions, that yes I indeed have Fibromyalgia.
To be truthful, I had starting crying this morning long before I even headed back upstairs to step into the shower. I was reminiscing about all the things I had to let go of in order to live with the reality of constant pain. All the years where doctor after doctor scratched their collective heads staring at my lab results ... till finally I gave up asking.
I developed countless strategies and methods to survive with chronic pain, paralyzing fatigue and diminished capacity. I was so good at it, that even I forgot how debilitating it really was to live my life.
I looked around my house this morning, thinking to myself,
- "I wonder if anybody really knows what I had intended for this place to look like."
- Or, "I bet folks actually believe I like my house this junky, or my upstairs so cluttered."
- And, "I bet no one remembers how I use to have art on the walls or rugs on the floors."
The state of my house, for me, is a constant reminder of all I can not do ... of all I had to surrender to the gravity of pain.
But today, a white coated authority figure said the magick words, and all I could do was cry. (To his credit, he reassured me that it was a common reaction. I wonder if it was also partially caused by my emotional state -- y'know, seeing as how I was feeling like my entire body was on fire!)
So, I have Fibromyalgia. And although I am extremely tired and sore, I feel as if I can finally let go of another heavy burden I had no idea I was carrying. I finally felt heard ... I finally felt vindicated.
Now begins the next stage, finding out what will help me in terms of drugs and treatments.
But right now, I am going to celebrate ... by laying down for much needed nap.