Sustainability

Opening the Perpetual Fetal

This essay is kind of a follow up to my mid summer clash with the limits of time and space. Consider this my second foray into the muck of Living In Time

Katrina


Not too long ago, I had a dream where I was driving very fast down this narrow road. I was driving so fast, it was difficult to steer, difficult to control the car. I was struggling to just keep the car between the lines and pointed in the right direction. Till finally I just gave up and purposely crashed into the trees along the side of the road thinking ‚ "Good, then maybe now I will just die". As the darkness descended, I heard my self saying. "Sorry, Sister," over and over again to my traveling companion. Suddenly a light flashed briefly in the darkness and I began to sense movement. And slowly I realized I did not die after all.

I woke up thinking, whoa. My only way out of this madness is crashing and hoping to die?

Part of my current personal spiritual work is in my accepting that I am a very driven person, that I am the stereotypical type A personality. Acceptance is only a portion of my journey however, because I also am working on finding ways to balance this energy within me and within my life.

I have had dreams of driving for almost two decades, but this was the first one that had my dream-self welcoming death as a way out. It was literally a wake up call for me.

This dream occurred almost two weeks after I fell off my front porch further aggravating my infirmed and restricted left hip, knee and shoulder. It came after four days of extreme frustration and anger. It occurred four days before I fell ill with a pretty nasty case of stomach flu.

In the four days before the flu knocked me off my feet (again), this dream forced me to endure some of the most searing soul searching of my life. I was forced to admit how I set myself up for so much of my frustrations; and how many of the illnesses, falls, and mishaps bore the energetic signature of that dream crash.

They were two sides of the same coin. The frustrations came from my driven nature. And the crashes were my only way out.

I needed to learn how to slow down.

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