End of May Check In

I have been living with an expanded awareness of pain levels, painkillers, emotional roller coasters and subjective reality for the last two weeks. After noting the heavily feeling-toned prose of my earlier posts, I decided to put my critical analyst cap snugly back on and engage in some dosage experimentation. After successfully determining the patterns of my emotional, physical and mental responses to prednisone under varying dosage levels, I began a regimen that minimized my discomfort while sheltering my loved ones from the worst parts of my emotional cross hairs. (One dose late at night followed by one late in the morning – 5 mg each.)

So as long as I time it just right, each day I can have 2 periods of lucidity bracketed by complete loopiness at one end and a hint of homicidal rage at the other – oh the fun to be had! I also figured out that the loopy feeling did not actually get in the way of my doing highly technical work, I just need to work at a slower pace than usual – more human like in fact.

And although I am not exactly pain-free, the level is low enough that I can function somewhat normally – from a 7 to a 3/4 on a scale from 0 to 10. The remaining drawback is that I feel stilted, disconnected and unable to read anything requiring deep concentration, i.e. all my normal “recreational” texts. I also was less willing to be around people so I have spent a great deal of my time alone. Even for this introvert it was a bit more than I liked so I decided to take a break from the pills. So I backed off the meds slowly over the last few days … till of course the full level of the pain came screeching back. Ai yi yi!

Sigh … Angela picked up my refill a few hours ago. I do not really have a choice at the moment; I have lost the ability to repress my awareness of the pain. Ah … the sweet smell of defeat … or is it success … I dunno.

I am frankly tired of talking about this current misadventure. I want so badly to share some other insights that have been bubbling up lately. So I am going to change focus for a short while at least. I promise I will keep folks posted as to any progress (or lack thereof) during this healing crisis. But for now, I am moving on.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, love and understanding. It really means a lot to me.


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